Still Struggling
When I was in college I inevitably gained the infamous Freshman 15. I was traumatized and took immediate measures to lose it. I lost it fairly quickly. The fact that my grandmother died some time later made it remarkably simple; I had no appetite. I was taking anti-depressants and was just trying to control panic attacks and school at the same time. I lost the weight, then more and more, until I had reached the very unhealthy weight of 89-92 pounds (to this day I cannot remember the exact weight). I did not look good. I see that today in the old college pictures. I was emaciated, too skinny for my own good, with bones sticking out. I remember being with a former boyfriend and having him actually complain that my hip bone japped him really hard during a make out session. Not too sexy!
I thought I looked so hot...I thought I could lose more weight. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a girl who was looking good, but who perhaps needed to lose a bit more weight. I still don't know how many more pounds I intended to lose. I was so lost I had no clue what I was doing. The mirror lied to me on a daily basis and nothing anyone would say would make it better. I believed I was overweight; I believed I had to limit my food intake.
I ate nothing..my meals consisted of steamed mushrooms with some low sodium soy sauce and water. Sometimes I'd splurge on chocolate malt balls and then go for 3 hour walk. I worked out twice a day...walked everyone. Would pretend I wasn't hungry at the beginning. Later I simply wasn't. I no longer knew what it felt like to be hungry; I was addicted to the empty starving feeling in my stomach. I hated myself so much. Hated the way I looked; hated everything about me.
You never recover from an eating disorder....you get better, but the illness never completely goes away. I'm struggling right now....I'm eating but I'm struggling. I'm thinking about weight too much lately. Way too much. I wonder if my unhappy job situation is what's subconsciously causing it...it's always something. You always feel like you have to control something.
I continue to eat. I feel weak when I don't, but years of not eating really screwed up my digestive system and today I can't go a meal without feeling ill, literally ill...I always feel as if I've eaten an entire cheesecake after I eat. I continue to eat and yet I think about working out all the time, but I'm so tired at the end of the day that sometimes I don't and then I feel like pure shit. I don't even want to go to work sometimes because I feel fat and uncomfortable. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't lie anymore. I still deal with this and it hurts. It's driving me crazy!
I have to eat. When I don't, I feel sick and my hair falls out. We need to eat to survive. When we don't eat, our bodies suffer...yet I still think about it...still think and obsess over my weight when I should just be happy with my body. I'm not fat, I have to tell myself that. What is wrong with me that I can never believe that? What is wrong with me that I can never be satisfied with ANYTHING granted me in life?
I just had to vent. I'm about to go to the gym.
How do celebrities manage to starve themselves and still look great? No bad skin? No hair falling out? Makes no sense and WHY WHY WHY do we feel such a need to attack them when we see them gain a pound or two?
I thought I looked so hot...I thought I could lose more weight. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a girl who was looking good, but who perhaps needed to lose a bit more weight. I still don't know how many more pounds I intended to lose. I was so lost I had no clue what I was doing. The mirror lied to me on a daily basis and nothing anyone would say would make it better. I believed I was overweight; I believed I had to limit my food intake.
I ate nothing..my meals consisted of steamed mushrooms with some low sodium soy sauce and water. Sometimes I'd splurge on chocolate malt balls and then go for 3 hour walk. I worked out twice a day...walked everyone. Would pretend I wasn't hungry at the beginning. Later I simply wasn't. I no longer knew what it felt like to be hungry; I was addicted to the empty starving feeling in my stomach. I hated myself so much. Hated the way I looked; hated everything about me.
You never recover from an eating disorder....you get better, but the illness never completely goes away. I'm struggling right now....I'm eating but I'm struggling. I'm thinking about weight too much lately. Way too much. I wonder if my unhappy job situation is what's subconsciously causing it...it's always something. You always feel like you have to control something.
I continue to eat. I feel weak when I don't, but years of not eating really screwed up my digestive system and today I can't go a meal without feeling ill, literally ill...I always feel as if I've eaten an entire cheesecake after I eat. I continue to eat and yet I think about working out all the time, but I'm so tired at the end of the day that sometimes I don't and then I feel like pure shit. I don't even want to go to work sometimes because I feel fat and uncomfortable. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't lie anymore. I still deal with this and it hurts. It's driving me crazy!
I have to eat. When I don't, I feel sick and my hair falls out. We need to eat to survive. When we don't eat, our bodies suffer...yet I still think about it...still think and obsess over my weight when I should just be happy with my body. I'm not fat, I have to tell myself that. What is wrong with me that I can never believe that? What is wrong with me that I can never be satisfied with ANYTHING granted me in life?
I just had to vent. I'm about to go to the gym.
How do celebrities manage to starve themselves and still look great? No bad skin? No hair falling out? Makes no sense and WHY WHY WHY do we feel such a need to attack them when we see them gain a pound or two?
posted by romancelover at 8:15 PM
4 Comments:
OK, I don't know which celeb you are talking about but most celebs that are clearly starving themsleves look it. They look HORRIBLE. With a capital H. They may THINK they look good but they are puke worthy. No Joke.
Other normal celebs don't starve but have trainers who get them going on a great exercise routine till they drop and they have personal dieticians or chefs who can cook uber delicious food that still doesn't make you a butterball. Ergo they have money and they use it wisely.
Nonetheless every celeb is still worked on by a multitude of makeup artists and the like whenever they step out. Then there is the magazine covers which are airbrushed till they look perfect or somewhere near it.
However, that doesn't change anything for me. Some of them are still ugly, still have ugly bodies and ugly hair. No, not every celeb is as "gorgeous" as the media would have you think. LOL.
P.S. Have you seen Nicole Richie?! She looks hideous and she needs to eat. Fast. Same goes for Lindsey, Paris and the Olsen Twins.
Now, about you, I am so sorry that you have such a poor self image. I honestly think it would be good for you to try and get therapy. It does help. Believe me. They can figure out where the problem lies because I have a suspicion, as I'm sure you do too, that all of these things and worries you have all stem from something bigger. They really can help.
I'm always here if you need me. Just let me know that you've emailed. :-)
*hugs*
I never understood how much eating disorders were about control until I started reading blogs.
I actually agree with Mailyn in that you might want to get some therapy. If it's still bugging you then take control of "it". Go out and get some help for yourself.
Ditto everything Mailyn said.
The celebrities I've seen who are starving themselves, look terrible. I'm thinking Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie...But even those celebrities that aren’t starving themselves aren't naturally fabulous-looking, they simply have the money to get the right people to train them and keep them looking fit and healthy. I remember reading somewhere that Beyonce (or someone), spends at least $1,000 PER HOUR for their trainer.
But I definitely think therapy is something you should consider because you seem to be in a lot of emotional pain and the therapy could help you work through your problems. Help you feel better about yourself.
And I'm sorry you're going through so much. Please remember that I care. If you ever need someone to talk to, about anything, I'm always here to listen. Feel free to email me anytime. *HUGS*
I agree with what everyone else says about therapy. Sometimes we get so lost in our own head, our own issues, that we can't see where it's all coming from. It helps to have someone (who actually knows what he/she's doing) help us sort through the tangle.
Having been through some of my own (non-food, but still unhealthy) control issues, I can't urge you enough to get help.
And as for Lindsey Lohan, et al, ugh! They look like Pez dispensers. It's creepy. And being that thin makes you prematurely age. Their necks look like they belong on my smoking grandmother.
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