Where's My Moxie?

You Gotta Love Fox

2007-01-05T21:49:00.000-08:00

They say this as if it's a bad thing....the country should be so lucky!

Why am I not surprised by Fox News' attempts to smear the new speaker AND one of the best cities in the world?

Dear Fox News - Your desperation is showing. Only a matter of time before your ratings truly tumble into the crapper!

I was born and raised in San Francisco. I wouldn't mind if the rest of the country turned into it. I'm sick of the intolerance being spewed out by the bigots at Fox. Once upon I time, I thought they were amusing. Lately, I've just about had it.

Jerks!

Viva Pelosi!

Me thinks everyone's fear is that a woman could very possibly become president (Pelosi is second in line to the Presidency after all). I can't wait to hear what they'll say about Hillary if she runs for President. I'm pretty sure they said all of it during Bill's election, but I'm sure they'll spit out the same Vince Foster Killed by the Clintons garbage.

2006-11-16T14:23:00.000-08:00

UCLA Student Tasered by Police in Library

Shockingly enough (I know I can still hear gasps) this happened courtesy of the good ole police folk in LA. What is it with police and Los Angeles? Is it something in the water? And this is campus police, too. I remember thinking they were a joke, back when I went to UCLA. This upsets me! An Iranian-American student was tasered at Powell Library's (one of the many campus libraries) computer lab. The details are still sketchy, but apparently he was asked for his Bruincard (student ID), he didn't have it, probably threw a hissy fit and was told to leave. The student probably didn't leave (let's face it...getting close to finals, ok?) and campus police barged in, throwing their tasers in the air and proceeding to go ballistic on the kid. They tasered him several times, even after they handcuffed him. Well...see the video for yourself.

I'm disgusted...actually, DISGUST is not even the word to use for what I'm feeling. I'm appalled and embarassed that this sort of thing happens in the US still, years after civil rights' movements, fights for freedoms, etc. You know the reason they tasered him so many times was because of his Iranian origin. Sorry, if perhaps this will offend some of those who believe that the U.S. is perfect. It's not! I'm so sick and tired of people who don't look white getting shit all the time. I'm Italian and I remember getting the WHAT ARE YOU? questions all the time. My father gets discriminated all the time because his English isn't perfect. People can't be bothered to actually listen to what someone's saying (never mind the hypocrisy of demanding that everyone here, including tourists, speak English, when we go to Paris and then demand that they cater to our every need...but the French are all assholes, right? Yeah, sure...I can't stand the double standard, but this is best left for my next post - Mailyn, I'll be counting on you to comment!!!). I'm glad my parents stand up for themselves and don't take any of the BS. No one should! They've been here since the early 70s and they still get this shit. It pisses me off...again, best left for another post.

How f-ed up is this video? I'm still waiting for more news. The kid might have been a smart ass to the cops (and yes, he does curse them off several times), but nothing except immediate danger would warrant a taser. The kid was relatively harmless.

Still Struggling

2006-11-09T20:15:00.000-08:00

When I was in college I inevitably gained the infamous Freshman 15. I was traumatized and took immediate measures to lose it. I lost it fairly quickly. The fact that my grandmother died some time later made it remarkably simple; I had no appetite. I was taking anti-depressants and was just trying to control panic attacks and school at the same time. I lost the weight, then more and more, until I had reached the very unhealthy weight of 89-92 pounds (to this day I cannot remember the exact weight). I did not look good. I see that today in the old college pictures. I was emaciated, too skinny for my own good, with bones sticking out. I remember being with a former boyfriend and having him actually complain that my hip bone japped him really hard during a make out session. Not too sexy!

I thought I looked so hot...I thought I could lose more weight. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a girl who was looking good, but who perhaps needed to lose a bit more weight. I still don't know how many more pounds I intended to lose. I was so lost I had no clue what I was doing. The mirror lied to me on a daily basis and nothing anyone would say would make it better. I believed I was overweight; I believed I had to limit my food intake.

I ate nothing..my meals consisted of steamed mushrooms with some low sodium soy sauce and water. Sometimes I'd splurge on chocolate malt balls and then go for 3 hour walk. I worked out twice a day...walked everyone. Would pretend I wasn't hungry at the beginning. Later I simply wasn't. I no longer knew what it felt like to be hungry; I was addicted to the empty starving feeling in my stomach. I hated myself so much. Hated the way I looked; hated everything about me.

You never recover from an eating disorder....you get better, but the illness never completely goes away. I'm struggling right now....I'm eating but I'm struggling. I'm thinking about weight too much lately. Way too much. I wonder if my unhappy job situation is what's subconsciously causing it...it's always something. You always feel like you have to control something.

I continue to eat. I feel weak when I don't, but years of not eating really screwed up my digestive system and today I can't go a meal without feeling ill, literally ill...I always feel as if I've eaten an entire cheesecake after I eat. I continue to eat and yet I think about working out all the time, but I'm so tired at the end of the day that sometimes I don't and then I feel like pure shit. I don't even want to go to work sometimes because I feel fat and uncomfortable. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't lie anymore. I still deal with this and it hurts. It's driving me crazy!

I have to eat. When I don't, I feel sick and my hair falls out. We need to eat to survive. When we don't eat, our bodies suffer...yet I still think about it...still think and obsess over my weight when I should just be happy with my body. I'm not fat, I have to tell myself that. What is wrong with me that I can never believe that? What is wrong with me that I can never be satisfied with ANYTHING granted me in life?

I just had to vent. I'm about to go to the gym.

How do celebrities manage to starve themselves and still look great? No bad skin? No hair falling out? Makes no sense and WHY WHY WHY do we feel such a need to attack them when we see them gain a pound or two?

The Mysteries of Blogging

2006-11-08T23:24:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I have no clue how to work the blogger template. Everytime I post something new, I notice a change in my screens. I had a netcounter once upon a time on the side which went missing about the time I posted the entry about Kevin Federline. Coincidence?

Went to Spanish class today; had a blast. Great place to meet people, if you're interested in making new friends. I was giddy and laughing the entire time. Oh...I'm taking it for fun and also because I fully intend to go to Spain soon (one day....hopefully next year) to participate in la TOMATINA in Valencia. Has anyone here ever been?

Have you discovered the wonders of yelp? If not, check it out...it's absolutely awesome!

Federline: Villain or Victim?

2006-11-08T21:46:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one in the world who feels a little sorry for Kevin Federline? I mean...it's not like he cheated on Britney. We just expected her to marry someone like Justin Timberlake or someone just as talented (err...if you can actually call her talented) and famous as her. It's not his fault he never lived up to our expectations. I feel bad...and I'm not kidding. I really am. The guy is pretty much done. Seriously, what kind of a career can he possibly have now? It was probably in his best interests NOT to marry Britney in the first place. As a nobody living with Shar Jackson (the girl he dumped to be with Britney), he was doing pretty well. He was a dancer and had some odd jobs, but he wasn't a laughing stock. I mean...the guy is known as FEDERJERK for goodness' sake. So he is a tad bit cocky and yeah...maybe a bit of a douche bag (or is he? The ever "trustworthy" media says he is, so it must be true...), but really was Britney really the victim everyone makes her out to be??? Ultimately, she got together with a man who was taken. Worse than that, he was taken by a very PREGNANT lady! Now Britney is being portrayed as some hostage let go after years of servitude. Whatever! I'm so sick of celebrities getting together with nobodies and then chewing them out when they're done with them (yes, JLO I'm talking about you and Cris Judd).

I don't think Kevin Federline is the best of men. He's definitely not someone I would rush to date or present to my parents, but I doubt he's the villain the media is making him out to be. At this point, I just feel really bad for him. Call me a sucker, but I do.

How is this fair?

2006-11-07T19:23:00.000-08:00

I'm so sick of Joe Lieberman...I don't even know if I spelled his name right and I really don't give a crap. Ned Lamont beat him during the Democrat primary back in the day; Cry baby Lieberman then decided that the only way in hell he would win was by running as an Independent. He did and it looks like this douche bag is still in office. I don't think it's right that he got to change his political affiliation. I lost respect for him a while back when I learned that during the 2000 presidential elections, he not only fought for the Presidency with Gore but also ran for Senate, just in case he lost. What a douche bag! I apologize if any of you are from CT and voted for him...really, but I have no respect for him at all. I'm really ticked off. I think Ned Lamont would have made a difference in the Senate. Too bad we may never know.

Pocky and Bill

2006-11-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

Would a straight man go up to another straight man and tell him that if he were a woman, he'd date him? Just curious.

On another note, if anyone is interested in POCKY, check this out. I get mine at a Japanese Supermarket in Japantown. They're yummy!!! If you don't want to order them online (entirely understandable) then you'll have great success finding them in the Asian Foods isle of your local supermarket. I also find them there...I also like a good deal, hence the late night Japantown excursions (I get them for a little over a buck). Check this out, also. I think I'm Pocky-obsessed.

I better go vote now. It looks like Schwartznegger will again be the Governor of California. ARGH! I still don't understand why anyone would elect him in the first place....he's an actor. Whatever! Apparently, California voter turnout isn't too high. I don't get how a state known for its liberal stance could ignore what's going on in our country. I don't want to hear any complaints when the next school is shut down due to lack of funds or resources. Oh..and if I hear that scumbag Bill O'Reilly talk about San Francisco and its values as if they're akin to rape and murder, I'm going to throw my TV and computer out the window. What a moron!!! If only we could all be like him.

Proud to be San Franciscan!!!

POCKY

2006-11-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

Last night I had one of the most intense cravings EVER! I had to have some POCKY and nothing could stop me. I left my apartment at 7:00PM to head to Japantown. The Japanese market was closing at 8PM. I sprinted to the bus stop, ran to the store....and got about 10 packs. I absolutely love Pocky...they come in all different flavors: bitter chocolate, honey, strawberry, chocolate, etc.

I needed the pocky and ate so much of it that I completely crashed after my two hour sugar high. I couldn't wake up this morning...had a headache, ran to the kitchen, grabbed more Pocky, felt instantly better, took a shower, got dressed, went to work. At work all I could think of was Pocky. I wondered how long it would take before I could have more Pocky...I wished and wished I had brought some with me to work. I was tempted to take the bus to Japantown again to get more, but didn't. I had to control myself. I was an adult and could make it through the day without Pocky...well...I sorta made it. I ended up eating a box of red vines to make up for it.

Too Young to Feel This Old

2006-11-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

I'm still working on my other blog, the one with past entries tracing back to 2001. Back then, I blogged to vent, as a way to release all the pent up anger, bitterness and sadness inside me. I was different back then, not completely different but...I don't know. I was so much angrier, so much more depressed. Reading the old posts brought tears to my eyes. I was hurting so much from broken relationships, betrayals. I felt useless, unhappy and just plain pathetic. There were some bright moments in there somewhere. I remember them so well, but I don't really talk about them. The blog was my punching bag and I would tell it all I felt about life, myself, my ex-boyfriends, and friends.

I've grown a lot since then, but in so many ways I am still the same person. I'm not as angry and bitter, but there are moments when the old girl resurfaces and it's like she never really left.
I am working on posting these old entries...I think it would be a good way to release a part of my past that needs to be released. 'Til I finish my little project, I thought I would post an entry to my new personal blog (err...what you're reading). Not sure how many will read this or if people even care about my everyday life. Again I will be using this as a journal. It's easier typing on a computer and hey...wouldn't be too bad to let my blogging friends know a bit more about me, so...here I go.

Yesterday started off as a pretty good day. I met my friend Conny for some Tai Chi. We found this great class at the City College. FREE OF CHARGE. We jumped at the chance to learn it; we'd been wanting to for quite a bit. Conny's husband joined us and we had a blast. It was a 3 hour course and it whipped our butts. Honestly, who'd ever think that Tai Chi could be so exhausting. In any case, we left, had lunch and then parted ways. It was gearing up to be an awesome day until I decided to call my dad. My father is a commercial fisherman. At the moment he cannot work due to a nearly deadly accident he had at work at few months ago. He's trying to get a permit on his fishing boat. There are certain requirements now to getting one...it's a long story, but let's just say that our dear Governor Schwartzajerk is not on our list of favorite people. Dad is mad at me. Dad is depressed and angry. He needs the permit. He was rejected initially and is now appealing. I'm helping him deal with the attorney. I don't like talking to my dad while this is going on. He's a bit old school and doesn't understand that these things take time, that the law is structured in such a way that you need to have your facts straight...can't just go somewhere and plead with people based on sympathy. The case and the appeal are taking forever and my dad is frustrated. I don't like talking to my dad, get stressed out each time. I suffer from panic attacks, so I really try my hardest to really avoid stress.

In any case, I called my dad and he answered...told me not to call him anymore, that I was dead to him and what not. Of course, I got upset. I hung up the phone. Called my mom, cried to her. I was upset!!! I stayed home after that. I had planned to watch BORAT at the theater but stayed home instead...and last night...I had a panic attack...something that I haven't had in months...I turned red and hot. My heart started beating very fast, my toes...gosh, I couldn't feel them at all and my face...gosh, it was getting numb. My lips...where were they? I couldn't feel them either. My head hurt. I was dying...what was happening to me? Where is that brown paper bag I use for emergencies? Where the fuck is it? No where! It was no where to be found. I struggled and struggled and felt my eyes turning....I could not pass out. I had to remain calm. I was alone..all alone. I stumbled to the bathroom, turned the cold water on in the bath tub and threw my hands underneath the sink. That seemed to calm me down a bit. I then heard my cell phone...a text message. I texted back. PANIC ATTACK. HELP! My friend called me immediately and we talked. She tried to calm me down with funny gossip and stories. I relaxed a bit...it got better...a little better...I could breathe a bit more...beginning to feel my toes (sort of). A hour later, I was fine and I cried. I felt alone and upset and miserable and worthless and...alone!

This morning I woke up thinking I would have a chance to see BORAT. Today was going to be different, I told myself...'til I get the call. The lawyer helping my father called me and believed that I had the wrong idea about the appeal. I had called him and told him that my family wanted closure, that we wanted the appeal to move forward. He took that as meaning that we didn't care whether we won or lost...we just wanted closure...the case to be over. I told him that my family wants him to win this appeal, not lose it! He told me that I have to choose my words more carefullly. Dude was scolding me like a 2 year old. I told him I didn't have enough time to leave an extremely long message detailing that we wanted to win and what not because I thought that was obvious. He told me that from my message, he thought that I wanted him to merely get the case over with..and we do, but we want a WIN! Must one really tell an attorney that you want him or her to win a case. Isn't that pretty obvious? I don't know..in any case, I started crying after I got off the phone with him. I've been dealing with the stress of this for a while and I can't take it. I didn't need this today only because of yesterday. Had I not had yesterday's meltdown, I'd be ok but really today...what is wrong with me? It's hard because I want to talk back to this guy and rip him a new one but then I'm scared that I'll wreck it for my parents, you know...one time based on what I said he thought I was firing him...releasing him from the case. I literally walk on eggshells sometimes because I'm scared of saying the wrong thing. He takes everything literally, analyzes everything you say.

I'm exhausted...mentally and emotionally...a lot has been going on with this and I'm so tired having to deal with my parents and their stress and trying to have my own life. I haven't had a real vacation in years and I really need one. Today is just not my day. The moxie of a few months ago is missing. I tend to have a pretty bad temper, but somehow lately it's on permanent pause. I'm a wimpy baby!

I just feel down and depressed. I don't want to leave the house and I just want to get under my down comforter and close my eyes.

And now....despite what I said above about feeling like a new person and being a different person than I was once upon a time, I feel like nothing's changed...I'm disappointed with myself. I wish I could help my parents more than I do. Wish I could take their stress away. I'm too young to feel this old.

I'm sure this blog will get better...happier...I'm just having a bad day and I need to release this through writing or I'll go mad.